I’m a size 14 and I’m darn proud of it

There have been times that we feel fat or are actually fat. To all those who have been hugely blessed by sharp godly-like features and model vibes, well, good for you. You may stop reading this post and continue with your life that is strewn with compliments and adoring stares. To those who fall in the average category and the fat category, welcome. Many a times, we look at ourselves in the mirror and we deeply wish that we were like those models on magazine covers. Those V-shaped faces, collarbones, tight waists, toned thighs and slender arms…. none of these actually belong to us.

Before I dwell deeper into this, I must say that as an Asian, I have small Asian eyes, 36D bust, size 14 top, chubby body parts and an occasional V-shaped face. Yesterday, I met guy J whom I knew from a popular dating website. After meeting for 30 minutes, we parted our ways.He texted me saying that my profile picture should be a more realistic picture of myself (there has been no photoshop done to any of my pictures) and that my face was like a watermelon. He went on saying that if he had to go on about my arms and thighs, it would be hurtful.

Well, I wasn’t offended but upset at the fact that J who was telling me this was not a perfect human being or like an A&F model. In fact, he was the contrary. At a height that was barely 175cm with no six-packs and a face that was not V-shaped, he seemed to be looking for the impossible. I was partially shocked by his words but it was a good lesson learnt.

In this generation flooded with technology and time that is always running out, we turn to dating websites like OkCupid and Tinder in hope to meet the love of our life. We begin to forget that love is a result of a process of interaction and communication. While good looks are a bonus, they are not necessary. What matters is the character and how well communication goes. Yet, that being said, many of us would find ourselves guilty of pausing at a hot guy’s profile, ogling at his abs and clicking the “Like” button. We spiral into a wireless communication where photos are deceiving and characters are built virtually, stashing away our real selves where we can act freely and even show our ugly side. What has become of the real us? Are we really who we think we are?

All those ladies out there who have been through similar situations, fret not. You are beautiful the way you are even if you are not blessed with a sizzling hot body and doll-like features. We are all complete in our own way even though society makes us feel otherwise. The superficiality of dating websites and beauty standards should not tell us who we should be, how our lives should be led and push us towards the abyss of shame and depression. We are way more beautiful than surface value, these superficial humans and society have failed to see our struggles, our moments of joy when the weighing scale tilts left, the food we love but choose to shun, the amount of exercise we try our best to do and the tears we have shed every time we feel less complete than we should be.

Fuck superficiality, fuck society’s beauty standards, fuck guys who make us feel ugly and piggish, embrace your unique beauty, be confident and be yourself. Laugh the way you want to, eat what you want, wear what you want and don’t you ever worry about what others say. These judgmental people are the true ugly pathetic lot. That form of uniqueness and confidence is real beauty, unbeatable across nations and all sorts of beauty standards.

I’m a size 14 and I’m darn proud of it. If you have got an issue with that size, get the hell out of my life, you are not needed here.

P.S. If you are curious, here are some pictures of myself:

What my Whatsapp Profile Picture is (taken 22 Aug 2014)

What my Whatsapp Profile Picture is (taken 22 Aug 2014)

How my size 14 body looks like

How my size 14 body looks like (taken 22 Aug)

How I look without makeup, contacts and fake eyelashes. The real me.

How I look without makeup, contacts and fake eyelashes. The real me. (Taken 25 Aug)

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A letter to my almost lovers

A letter to my almost lovers

Dear XXX,

Remember me? I was the one who foolishly went all the way out for you when you needed someone to be there. I was the one who was willing to make the silent sacrifices when no one else could. I was the one who cared the most for you when you were busy fussing over someone or something else. Do you even remember? How long was it since we last talked? Ages. Remember how we had so much to say and the memories we created?

How are you now? Are you doing well? Have you forgotten everything we shared together? Including my face? Do you know, I used to be brimming with hope whenever I looked into your eyes, you were like a dream come true for me and I felt we could have a future together. But in the end, everything was an illusion.

Yes, it has been ages but it remains a piece of shattered memory in my heart. We never started yet it felt as if we had. You, my almost lover, was the world to me, the sunshine in my mornings and the sugar to my bitter coffees. Today, my mornings drone by and the world spins past as I sip my bitter coffee. I am tired with all those almost lovers; exhausted and empty. But, thank you, thank you for coming into my life at a certain point and lighting up those flames in my cold, dead heart although you were the ones who extinguished those flames in the end. Yet, thank you.

Goodbye for now, my almost lovers and if destiny allows, we will meet again as strangers once more.

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My thoughts on Conchita Wurst’s ‘Rise like a phoenix’

I have never been an ardent fan of Eurovision. I am a small citizen from Singapore who has limited knowledge about the eurozone. I do not claim myself to be an expert in this field but something attracted me so strongly to the 2014 Eurovision. Conchita Wurst’s song has pulled me in so deeply that whenever I hear her song, I could feel my previous pains and emotions spilling out of my soul. Her song has such strong words; it reminds me not to forget to step out of my bad memories, to rise out of the ashes and to live on the way I want it to be. Honestly, when I first saw the video, I was utterly shocked by the beard. I slowly understood the rationale behind it and her interview made me have so much respect for her. Indeed, looks are just so secondary yet so many people nitpick and pay undue attention to things they do not like of others. Yet again, why not let others be who they are when they do not harm others? Are we living in a world where differences cannot be tolerated and people’s hearts are so narrow and unforgiving. There is no manual to life. We create our own manual. Just like what Conchita said, ” you only have 1, live it the way you want and be happy.” After all, Eurovision should have something so meaningful and hopefully this provides a new vision for all the European countries and the world as a whole. Thank you Conchita for giving us such a beautiful message and I personally feel that Austria deserves this award. Especially you, Conchita.

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“What do you th…

“What do you think? I’m not a starfish or pepper tree. I’m a living, breathing human being. Of course I’ve been in love. ” -Haruki Murakami

Have you ever looked at someone so dearly, see the stars in his eyes, feel the fire in his heart and taste the kisses in his mouth? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. But at some point in our life, we would go through a phase like this. And that is how I feel about you. 

You are the person I could never love but in my heart and my dreams, you haunt me again and again. The sight of you fills me with so much awe that every haunting experience is so beautiful and breathtaking.  I remember every detail of our conversations, how we met and every memory of ours. 

You never know because I will never tell. I will only drop you little hints in hope that you will feel my heart. But for now, let me be greedy for a little while and love you with my eyes closed. 

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“In my dream, y…

“In my dream, you are mine. But in my life, you are a dream.”

I don’t know how to tell you

My feelings and my fears

My liking for you

Deep as the ocean

 

I don’t know what I am feeling

The ups and downs in my heart

The fleeting and cringing

It’s both heaven and hell

 

I can’t tell you how much I miss you

For fear you would reject me

I know I am never good enough

Yet, I think about us

 

It is but a dream that flames my hopes

An impossible fairytale I have spun

But can you even hear,

The deepest and silent calls of your name?

 

What is it exactly?

I wish I knew

I wish I could ask you

But I can’t 

Adios

It has been more than 2 weeks since we last talked. I have slowly started to put you at the back of my mind, hopefully, in a dark place covered with cobwebs and rust, in a place I cannot reach you so that you will be effaced completely. I have not deleted our chat history although it may be a worthless piece of chat to you but it meant so much to me, it was the one who made my smiles sweeter, my days brighter and my heart drunk. The amount of sweet-nothings pouring out from the chat made my heart so intoxicated that I felt that life would never be the same without you. Maybe that is why they are called ‘sweet-nothings’ because those sweet words actually meant nothing. Maybe you are overseas now, maybe you are having a game now, maybe you are tired, maybe you are feeling sleepy. Sometimes, I would just ponder what you would be doing right now but does it matter anymore? To you, it doesn’t.  I know that you are not a good person but I can’t seem to get you out of my mind. I craved for your charisma, your sparkling eyes and your mischievous smile. When I first knew you, I thought it was finally a chance from the heavens to let me find someone who loves me for who I am, it would no longer be me facing cruel cases of unrequited love.

I was wrong, so wrong. 

Yet again, you are disappearing from my mind, you are slowly placed in a dark corner of my mind. And slowly, nothing about you will matter to me anymore. You will be one of those whom my heart went out to, only to come back to me bruised and scarred. 

Adios to you, now and forever.

Adios to falling in love.

Adios.

 

 

You are the 12am guy

How many times have we met people in our lives whom we thought for a moment, would be with us for a lifetime? How many a times, we felt we could let passion rule over reason? How many a times, we felt like giving in to someone although we knew it was wrong, although we knew it was a temporary relationship, although we knew it was nothing of what we, ourselves, expected?

The burden of disappointment sits heavily on my heart as I looked at you while the taxi drove away. I could never fathom the expression in your eyes, I could never decipher the meaning behind your action, comprehend the truth among your sweet nothings and truly feel the warmth in your hands. I am paranoid, I am fearful and I am constantly bogged down by thoughts that all you wanted was my body. I looked hard into your gaze over dinner. Those eyes, so big and adorable, made my heart melt. I wanted to see your thoughts but there seemed to be a barrier I could not get over. When we went our separate ways, you texted me to say that you felt we could not understand each other. My heart sank. I knew for a fact, we would never see each other again. Those 3 weeks of crazy, intense chatting have all disappeared into thin air. A sense of emptiness blanketed over me. The next few days, I was in cold turkey, I waited by my phone, read through the numerous amount of texts we sent each other and ran through that night I met you. I knew that you would not be like me. You were most probably on your way to meet another girl or texting one right now while I am writing this. Silly, aren’t I? You used to say how silly we were. But, I think I am the only silly one.

You were slowly fading in my mind, I could barely see your face or remember the warmth of your hands or hear that beautiful accent you have. I knew I could completely forget about you and move on to someone better. I had stopped going back to your messages or wait for your text. Suddenly, at 12a.m., you sent me a message along with that icon you love to use. “Have a good night.” it read out loud in my face. All the walls around my heart crumbled down instantaneously, your face was vivid in my memory and thoughts of you whirled madly in my head. 

Yes, 12a.m..

It used to be your sleeping time before you met me.

Now, it is back to 12a.m.

We are strangers once again.

You are the one who breaks my heart at 12a.m..

You are the 12a.m. guy.

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“It’s a hangout…

“It’s a hangout, not a date.”

There was once i felt i could finally learn to love someone, to put my emotional baggage down and move out from my past. People always say that those men you meet online are only interested in one night stands, fuck buddies and no strings attached kind of relationships. I had hoped for the best, that someone i meet out there, online, would be different. So we started chatting and you started flirting over texts. I was confused yet those texts always never fail to send me to the highest heavens. Sometimes, I would wonder if you treated other girls the same and if you were like the other ‘wolves’, out looking for a prey. I know for a fact that I was no easy prey; I would not give in to demands easily and I relied on my brain more than my heart. You asked if I could be cold-hearted. Deep inside, I know I could not be cold-hearted in front of you. We talked, paused, laughed and held hands. Yet, my mind was in a whirl, spinning crazily, intoxicated with worries and lost. I did not know what we were. You said it was not a date but a hangout. But your actions seemed different. Somehow I felt that we were dating yet it was not that way. We spent hours walking around Marina and you told me that you wanna stay with me. Suddenly, you asked if there was a hotel nearby where we could get a quick rest. I was shocked. Stunned. As a frequent clubber, I knew what hotel meant. I panicked inside, Millions of thoughts rushed through my mind. Were you like those men that people warned me about? I started becoming unsure and defensive. That was when I wanted to go back. You still wanted to stay but I was worried. I told you that it was weird telling a friend that on a first meet-up but you insisted that was how you felt. And that was how things between us changed. Honestly, I had a good feeling for you and I did contemplate if we could become something more. So now, we talk but you have become so distant and cold. I guess, we ended even before it started. Maybe I should not be too uptight about it. We were just hanging out anyway.

13 Ways You Know You’re Dating A Grown-Ass Man

Thought Catalog

Grey's AnatomyGrey’s Anatomy

1. You know where you stand. You are his girlfriend or you are a girl he’s dating but either way he’s not scared to define it. He’s not afraid that a girl will cry and run away if she doesn’t hear what she wants to, he wants a mature woman because he is a mature man.

2. You don’t have to prod him to become a real adult. He’s self motivated to improve on his own. If there’s an area of his life that needs improvement, he’s working on it long before you notice it.

3. Texting with him is peaceful. Sometimes you have conversations. Sometimes you make plans. But it’s never a power struggle of who initiates and who texts lasts. It’s not fishing for compliments or security. It’s simply a short form of communication.

4. He calls his mom. You don’t need to tell him to…

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“I think you st…

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”- Haruki Murakami

20 Guys and 1 you

 

Darkness, neon lights, music

I feel sick

The alcohol makes my head spin

On somebody’s chest I lean

His face I have not seen

 

I feel his breath

Against my neck

The feeling of a high

The rhythm of my heart

Beat crazily to the club’s fast music

While my hands caress his masculine back

 

He smells just like you

Probably the same cologne too

Memories of you flooded my mind

I remember your favourite line

Eat. Sleep. Rave. Repeat

I never told you about my stupid actions

During my clubbing sessions

 

The beats increase

My breath hastens

There is a waterfall of saliva in my mouth

I close my eyes and let my tongue do a crazy dance

Is it you

I don’t know

 

He has your smell and your back

But he doesn’t have my heart

He has your smile and your style

But he doesn’t have my heart

He has your eyes and your height

But he doesn’t have my heart

 

He left

Like you

You broke my heart

I fell apart

 

I am addicted to these nights

Where all my sadness take flight

They are now out of sight

I can now heave a sigh

 

Guy number one

Don’t remember

Guy number five

Don’t remember

Guy number ten

Don’t remember

Guy number fifteen

I don’t remember

Guy number twenty

I don’t remember

 

What I remember is

My friend owes me a cake