Adios

It has been more than 2 weeks since we last talked. I have slowly started to put you at the back of my mind, hopefully, in a dark place covered with cobwebs and rust, in a place I cannot reach you so that you will be effaced completely. I have not deleted our chat history although it may be a worthless piece of chat to you but it meant so much to me, it was the one who made my smiles sweeter, my days brighter and my heart drunk. The amount of sweet-nothings pouring out from the chat made my heart so intoxicated that I felt that life would never be the same without you. Maybe that is why they are called ‘sweet-nothings’ because those sweet words actually meant nothing. Maybe you are overseas now, maybe you are having a game now, maybe you are tired, maybe you are feeling sleepy. Sometimes, I would just ponder what you would be doing right now but does it matter anymore? To you, it doesn’t.  I know that you are not a good person but I can’t seem to get you out of my mind. I craved for your charisma, your sparkling eyes and your mischievous smile. When I first knew you, I thought it was finally a chance from the heavens to let me find someone who loves me for who I am, it would no longer be me facing cruel cases of unrequited love.

I was wrong, so wrong. 

Yet again, you are disappearing from my mind, you are slowly placed in a dark corner of my mind. And slowly, nothing about you will matter to me anymore. You will be one of those whom my heart went out to, only to come back to me bruised and scarred. 

Adios to you, now and forever.

Adios to falling in love.

Adios.

 

 

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You are the 12am guy

How many times have we met people in our lives whom we thought for a moment, would be with us for a lifetime? How many a times, we felt we could let passion rule over reason? How many a times, we felt like giving in to someone although we knew it was wrong, although we knew it was a temporary relationship, although we knew it was nothing of what we, ourselves, expected?

The burden of disappointment sits heavily on my heart as I looked at you while the taxi drove away. I could never fathom the expression in your eyes, I could never decipher the meaning behind your action, comprehend the truth among your sweet nothings and truly feel the warmth in your hands. I am paranoid, I am fearful and I am constantly bogged down by thoughts that all you wanted was my body. I looked hard into your gaze over dinner. Those eyes, so big and adorable, made my heart melt. I wanted to see your thoughts but there seemed to be a barrier I could not get over. When we went our separate ways, you texted me to say that you felt we could not understand each other. My heart sank. I knew for a fact, we would never see each other again. Those 3 weeks of crazy, intense chatting have all disappeared into thin air. A sense of emptiness blanketed over me. The next few days, I was in cold turkey, I waited by my phone, read through the numerous amount of texts we sent each other and ran through that night I met you. I knew that you would not be like me. You were most probably on your way to meet another girl or texting one right now while I am writing this. Silly, aren’t I? You used to say how silly we were. But, I think I am the only silly one.

You were slowly fading in my mind, I could barely see your face or remember the warmth of your hands or hear that beautiful accent you have. I knew I could completely forget about you and move on to someone better. I had stopped going back to your messages or wait for your text. Suddenly, at 12a.m., you sent me a message along with that icon you love to use. “Have a good night.” it read out loud in my face. All the walls around my heart crumbled down instantaneously, your face was vivid in my memory and thoughts of you whirled madly in my head. 

Yes, 12a.m..

It used to be your sleeping time before you met me.

Now, it is back to 12a.m.

We are strangers once again.

You are the one who breaks my heart at 12a.m..

You are the 12a.m. guy.

“It’s a hangout…

“It’s a hangout, not a date.”

There was once i felt i could finally learn to love someone, to put my emotional baggage down and move out from my past. People always say that those men you meet online are only interested in one night stands, fuck buddies and no strings attached kind of relationships. I had hoped for the best, that someone i meet out there, online, would be different. So we started chatting and you started flirting over texts. I was confused yet those texts always never fail to send me to the highest heavens. Sometimes, I would wonder if you treated other girls the same and if you were like the other ‘wolves’, out looking for a prey. I know for a fact that I was no easy prey; I would not give in to demands easily and I relied on my brain more than my heart. You asked if I could be cold-hearted. Deep inside, I know I could not be cold-hearted in front of you. We talked, paused, laughed and held hands. Yet, my mind was in a whirl, spinning crazily, intoxicated with worries and lost. I did not know what we were. You said it was not a date but a hangout. But your actions seemed different. Somehow I felt that we were dating yet it was not that way. We spent hours walking around Marina and you told me that you wanna stay with me. Suddenly, you asked if there was a hotel nearby where we could get a quick rest. I was shocked. Stunned. As a frequent clubber, I knew what hotel meant. I panicked inside, Millions of thoughts rushed through my mind. Were you like those men that people warned me about? I started becoming unsure and defensive. That was when I wanted to go back. You still wanted to stay but I was worried. I told you that it was weird telling a friend that on a first meet-up but you insisted that was how you felt. And that was how things between us changed. Honestly, I had a good feeling for you and I did contemplate if we could become something more. So now, we talk but you have become so distant and cold. I guess, we ended even before it started. Maybe I should not be too uptight about it. We were just hanging out anyway.